One Step

I missed my true calling. I could have been a doctor, a lawyer or maybe even a brain surgeon, if only I had the skills, and if only I had the courage. I was stopped dead in my tracks by fear. Fear of failure and fear of a fateful moment when I would have to tell of a lost loved one due to a mistake I’ve made. Yet as I ran away from being the best I can be and bury my head in the sand like a frightened ostrich, I finally found an ounce of courage to take one more step toward greatness while I’m still alive. One more step closer to you. I’m drawn to take this step out on faith like a moth drawn to a flame. I must say it and I must do it because I want to lie in your arms.  Not today or tomorrow, but when that special day falls upon me, I want my every breath and my every thought to be all about loving you.

And how can I love you if I let you slip away? If I let you walk away and fade away? I know now and accept my fate in life, to find you and your love for now and forever more. That’s my goal in life. That’s my lot in life. Like a blind man, I can’t see you, and as they say, you can’t tell a book by its cover anyway. But who wants to read a book with no deeper meaning? There must be a moral to the story. The moral to our story is life, love for each other and love of life. Together we can make something happen. We can stoke the fire and make sparkling, effervescent love together.

Air, sun, water, photosynthesis. It takes more than that. There is a deep creative spirit, a seed of life in every one of us, and your love for life grows inside of me and helps me to flourish every day. I bloom and blossom and grow tall and strong with you beside me in my life. As invisible as you are to my naked eye, you shine like a bright light to my soul. You are the light at the end of the tunnel, drawing me out of the darkness of depression and endless disappointments of a life gone by. Your love takes me to a better place, to a higher plane. I hear you calling my name.

Will you take one step closer to me too? Will you put your trust in me like I put my trust in you? It is time for you to put your hand in mine. Yes, my calling is more than I ever dreamed of before. I could have been a psychologist, a life coach and not just a mentor, but again, I don’t want to risk failure from my weakness. Yet, my human frailty and innocent vulnerability can save me today, but only if you listen and hear what I have to say. I can live in the dream of the love from your heart and finally come to my calling. Is it asking too much to be able to give and receive love? Will you help me do it?

One step closer, I come to you. Filled with love at the sight of you, not the physical you, not your body, your hair, your eyes, as I long for a kiss from your soft succulent lips, but no I can’t see you that way. But I can see the inside of you. I can see the authentic you. I can see that part of you hidden, and almost forgotten. I want to join you there, it that place of this soulful encounter. I want to take you in my arms and hug you one time more. And hope you let me stay for another day. Yes, that is my calling. To love you and be loved by you. Is it possible? Will you let it be? Will you help me come one step closer and hold me tight?

I missed my true calling to be with you. Was it the wrong time and the wrong place? If only things would have worked out differently, we could be together right now. If only the step I took would find me welcome in your open arm. Please hug me and kiss me and hold me. I feel alive when I feel your love. You recharge my batteries and give me a new lease on life. You brighten my day and show me the light. With you in my life all is well. I’m called to take one step closer. Will you take one step closer and meet me in our oasis of love?

Feeling Blessed

What if there was a place here on earth that is blissful, peaceful and filled with love, a place where the spirit is fulfilled and from whence it is reluctant to leave? I believe there is such a place, but it is impossible to get there and to find it alone. It takes teamwork to get there and teamwork to stay for long. I almost found it and I’m trying to write about it, but I can’t do it alone.

I saw a place here on earth. We all think of heaven as a place to go once you’re gone, but there is a place here I saw, and I want to tell you about it. A garden of Eden with a fountain of youth. A place filled with love and inalienable truth. Where the days last forever and the nights do too. It is what it is and you are what you are. The irony of this story is this place is not that far.

I can go there and you can too. But the way to get there requires us to drop some baggage to lighten our load. There are some things better left in the past.  You are not alone. Drop the facades, the false pretenses, the trauma and all of the preconceived notions. You can’t find it without my help and I can’t get there without your help. I have to join with another in prayer to get us there. We were all made in God’s image. He is within us. We find Him when we find our true and authentic selves.

It is a world of virtual reality.  In the deep recesses of our minds lives a spark of spiritual grandeur ready to ignite and catch fire, ready to explode and satisfy our every desire. We need a password to enter and I forgot mine. It’s a secret place, but I can take you there. I saw the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I know I’m not making much sense. It’s hard to explain the inexplicable. It has to do with feelings. Feeling good. Feeling pleasure. Feeling bliss. Feeling blessed. You know the feeling. You felt it before and now it’s time to feel it again.

It has something to do with our unmet childhood needs. It has something to do with the golden rule and the reset button we all get, the one that opens the door to a secret passageway that lets you feel your way in through the darkness to a warm and brighter day. We can go there together, but it takes teamwork. We have to work together toward this worthy ideal.

I forgot my password, but I can get it back. If only I can remember the answers to my security questions. Yes, my mother’s maiden name. Got that. The name of my first pet. I remember. The city I was born in. Easy peasy. And then they asked me about my first love, my true love, the woman of my dreams. Why did your name pop up? Why did you come into my life? Was it for a tease, to momentarily show me beauty and delight only to fade away and disappear in the dark of the night? Feelings. You felt like my savior, my redeemer, like an answer to my prayers. You gave me so much. You took me there. You were the wind beneath my wings. Now I want to go there again. I want to find it again. The mystery is revealed and unravels in your snippet of spiritual love.

When I see you, I’m reminded of when I saw you on that heavenly day, when I saw you differently, in your own special way. I felt alive! I swear I saw the image of God in you. I felt it. My blood curdles and my heart skips a beat every time I think about it. It was real. It was surreal. I can feel it again in my world today. It’s all about the emotional triggers fueled by authenticity. Revealed in the short description of a time of joy in my life is a schematic of triggers that bring joy and delight. The feelings you get when those intimate buttons are pushed are important to identify and catalog along the path on this journey to find heaven on earth. The triggers are key, the ingredient in the secret sauce that creates a unique flavor we both can savor.

Do you want to go there? Reveal the triggers. Do you want to find the good feelings you miss from your heavenly bliss? Push the buttons. You’re special. I’m special. You can do it if you set your mind to it. So start. Name the feeling your felt when you stood at the door, when you were whisked away in pleasure, when you longed for more and more. You can get it again. You can go there again. And now there’s only one simple question for you to answer.

Sharing yourself completely brings a whole new level of gratification into your life. What are you feeling, right here, right now?

Today

Today I’m going to make some significant changes in my life. I don’t know if they will include you or not because I’m going to walk down a path into something new. You may not want the new me and you may want to cast me aside. That’s OK. You see, today I’m going to stop changing to meet your needs. I’m going to be myself, my true self, my authentic self.

I’m tired of jumping through hoops for you. You say jump and I say “how high”, your wish is my command, I’m here to fulfill your every desire. I can’t say these things anymore. I can’t do these things anymore. I can’t buy you roses to make up for my mistakes and days of lost love and unfulfilled desires. It’s not fair to you and it’s not fair to me. Authenticity is key. What you see is what you get, the real me.

My heart has been torn asunder jumping through hoops for you. I have been the malleable partner, a chameleon, shifting shapes at your every whim, trying to please you every day in every way. For so long I have believed that my happiness was tied to your happiness. I believed that if I could give you the things you need, you would satisfy my desires in return. Quid pro quo. One good turn deserves another. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. That is the golden rule, isn’t it?

But the bitterness and resentment has torn me apart inside. Don’t get me wrong. It worked for a time, for a long long time. I put my wants and desires on the back burner and put yours first. I sacrificed what I wanted so I could make you happy, with the hope that you would reciprocate and do the things for me that only you could do. And for so long I have waited patiently for the crumbs off your table, standing in the rafters waiting for some special moment when you would fill my heart with love and satisfy my long-neglected desires. I waited and waited and you never came.

And today I woke up a new man because I’ve decided not to wait any longer. I’m moving on. I’m walking back to the bus stop and waiting for the next bus. Another one will come. The next one will take me where I need to go. That is why I promise to be as authentic and as vulnerable as I can be. I won’t hide my true feelings any longer. When you hurt me, I will cry and let you feel my pain. I won’t hold back and hold it in any longer, trying to act impervious to your digs, insults and abuse. You have been mean to me and in some ways I deserve it, but in actuality, the cycle of pain has to stop somewhere.

Today it stops here. I can’t tolerate it any longer. I can’t live this double life, one-minute acting like all is well and the next minute sitting on the pity pot all depressed and downtrodden. This is not a healthy life. This is not a healthy relationship and it has to end. No, not the relationship and even though I want you to change, you don’t have to change for me. I am the one who must hold fast to my promise of a new me. I don’t have you to blame for my own lack of discipline and inconsistency. It is not your fault that I have allowed an environment of dysfunction to reign supreme. I take full responsibility for today and henceforth, every day that comes.

Neither one of us will live forever. Our time is short, however much time we have left to live together. And why should we spend our remaining days in pain and anguish? There is no need to suffer and sacrifice anymore. I would rather be alone with my true and authentic self than to kowtow to your unreasonable demands any longer.

Today I feel fully empowered. Today I will be very clear about what I want and what I don’t want, and today, if you want me in your life, if you want my precious love one day longer, today you will have to accept me for who I am as I accept you for who you are.

As we see the essence of our souls combine on a deep, spiritual level, true love will fill our cups to overflowing and when our cups are overflowing with the love that we have cultivated from within, then we can engage from a place of wholeness and empowerment rather than from a place of insecurity and need.

Are you ready for today? Are you ready for a new day? Be courageous. Be strong. Be forgiving. Yes, today I’m going to make significant changes in my life. Will you join me on this quest for truth and righteousness? Say yes, please say yes. But know I will love you for who you are, whether you say yes or even if you say no.

Audio: https://soundcloud.com/user-83095424/today

Thinking of You

I’ll be honest. I’ve been thinking of you a lot lately. When I go to sleep and when I wake up, you’re on my mind. I’ve been dreaming about you too. Wondering what it would be like to go to bed with you. Yes, you’re right. I know I shouldn’t be thinking these thoughts, these intimate thoughts, but I can’t help myself. I can’t resist the temptation. I’m stuck on this never-ending story, running through my head, day in and day out. I’m hooked on you. I’m going crazy over you. I’m obsessed with these thoughts of you.

I want your body. I need your body. I want to feel your warm caress. I want to watch you slowly undress. I want to touch you and feel you and make love to you. I want to smell you and taste you and feel every part of you. I know. I ask for too much, too soon. You don’t want me like that. But still, I can’t help myself.  I want to make love with you just the same. I want to make love in our own special way.

Nothing else matters. I daydream about the time you came into my life and wish things could have worked out differently. I wish you could feel the same way about me that I feel about you. I just want you. What else can I do? When I see you, I get all tongue tied and have trouble saying what I feel in my heart.  I want to tell you how much I love you and how deeply I feel about you, but I’m afraid of what you might say. Do you want me? Do you want to make love too?

Probably not. I would not be so lucky to have a woman so deeply in love with me too. I would not be so blessed to have a woman who wants me as much as I want you. I dream on. I wonder what it would take for you to want me too. What would it take for you to go all the way?

Humor me. Help me. Tell me what to do. Tell me what to say so I can have my way with you. My passion can make it happen. I want you that bad. I would do anything for you. Right now. I feel such a deep and uncontrollable need for you. I feel like my heart beats for you. My desire for you fills my veins with an abundance of passion and invigorating excitement, an excitement I can’t contain, an excitement I can’t retrain. I must break loose and break free of any restraints put on me. I must break loose and be free so you can make love with me.

I need you. I need you to feel me and touch me. I want to bask in your glow. If only for a moment. If only for a split second, will you give yourself to me? What else could I hope for? What else should I long for? Nothing else matters. I want you. Yes, you. I need you. And once I have you in my grasp I will never let you go. I will squeeze you in my arms and beg you to hold onto me too. I’ll plead with you never to let me go.

And that will only be the start of something big. Of many like moments of fulfilled desires. Take a moment and think about it too. What would it take for me to make love to you? And as you write me your dreams and share your passions with me too, I will come one step closer and make your dreams comes true. I will be your knight in shining armor, your Mr. Right, whisking off your feet in the dead of the night.

I know I can do it if you would only give me a chance to show you how deeply I care for you. Let me tell you. Let me hold you. Let me show you how much I love you.

This is how I’ve been thinking of you. Have you been thinking of me too?

Audio: https://soundcloud.com/user-83095424/thinking-of-you

 

Klutz

Today was a day of many slipups and mistakes, little things that reminded me yet again of my own fallibility. I am far from perfect. I forget things. I left the house, only to double back to pick up the bag I left behind. I feel so stupid. Is it just an indication of more to come? I feel like I’m dancing with life, with two left feet, embarrassed as I dance this slow dance of unrequited love, all alone, wishing it was you I held tightly in my arms. Wishing you were here.

I cut myself and I bled for you. You saw the blood and did nothing. You heard me wince in pain and did nothing. As my life force trickled in red crimson droplets showing my human vulnerability, you did nothing. No words to console me. No remorse. No empathy. Nothing. You left me hanging as I walked away to find a band-aid to stem the flow. You abandoned me in my time of need, yet I hold no grudges. I’m not mad, I’m just sad, feeling bad, like you must be feeling the piercing hurt from my senseless acts and selfish moves.

Words strewn across the page at you, hoping to find a speck of concern. Crying out for your attention, like a teary-eyed babe growing hoarse crying for his mother’s milk. Oh how I wish you would take me back into your arms and suckle me in your bosom. How could I be so stupid to do those things that hurt you so. I am guilty, guilty as accused. I am sorry, but it was such a long time ago. Years and years in the past. They say time heal all wounds. How much time will it take? How much time do you need? Tell me, so I can hold onto a glimmer of hope that soon will come a brighter day. Maybe I can hold out until then.

I want to see you. I want to touch you. I want to kiss you. I want to fly high again on the cloud of happiness, well above these dark clouds of despair as I feel the pain of missing you. Reaching out as you move away, so far away, always missing you, never kissing you. Calling your name and never hearing back from you. Playing the fool for you. You leave me hanging. Do I deserve this? How long must I be punished for my sins?

Let me assure you one last time that if you can feel the friendly laughter that fills the air, the joy of happiness devoid of despair, if you can feel my vibes and join me in this motion picture, I will be here to play your leading man. I want the part and I will diligently play the part as I stare deeply into your eyes whispering sweet nothings in your ear. Telling you about the pleasurable delights that await you on this very day, all you have to do is open your heart in that special way. Say yes, you want to see me. Say yes, you want to be my friend. I am here, not far away, listening and waiting for my cue to brighten your day.

I am here. I can help you. I can feel you and console you, if only you will let me into your life. If only you could find it in your heart to give me a chance. A chance to show what I can do. A chance to show my love for you. Tell me what you want. Your wish is my command. I just want to please you. What is it I want most in life? To wait on you hand and foot. To serve you. To bring you joy and happiness. The joy I lost and hope to find.

Kiss me. Hold me. Hug me like no other. Give me a chance to show you what I can do for you. Let me into your life and let me touch you deeply as you touched me so deeply with the words of encouragement spoken with sincerity from your soft succulent lips. I may dance awkwardly with two left feet but when I hold you in my arms, I feel whole again, filled with courage as you make me complete. Everybody sees us together. We make the perfect couple. Two lost souls finding true happiness in each other’s arms, dancing to a tune of lofty goodness in our hearts, filled to overflowing with bliss from a lover’s kiss. All I need is your kiss and warm embrace to show me the way to a brighter day.

Audio: https://soundcloud.com/user-83095424/klutz

Please Forgive My Indiscretions

You are the love of my life and I love every bit of you from head to toe. Yes, every inch of you, every ounce of you, all of you. You make my life whole and complete and I can’t live without the sweet nothings your whisper in my ear, when you’re in the mood. When you are feeling right. I love you. I will love you forever.

Please forgive me for the mistakes I’ve made. Nobody is perfect. I am the flawed one, the stupid one, the ugly duckling that no one thought would amount to anything. Yes, that is me, the man who fell in love with you. Can you accept me for who I am, warts and all? Blemished and besmirched with a few indiscretions that happened years ago, yes ages ago. I made mistakes. I admit it. Will I ever be forgiven? Can we go back to the way it was before you heard it through the grapevine?

I can’t change the past. I can’t turn back the hands of time. I can’t make what happened go away. All I can do is promise a brighter future, a better man, someone more deserving of your love. Can you forgive me? Will I ever be forgiven? Is this too much to ask?

I can’t go on like this. My life is meaningless without your love. Your kind words bring meaning to my life. I can’t help it. My love for you is the meaning of my being. I didn’t make it this way. It just happened. Lord knows that no one of sane mind and body would ever want to fall head over heels over you. You are too hard to please. You are too difficult to satisfy. But I did fall for you and I am still trying. Yes, I will keep trying. I will chase you with my dying breath. How does it feel to be wanted beyond all reasonable possibilities of defeat? Can you feel me?

Can you fill my heart with the love I long for, the unconditional love I so desperately need from you? Or is your love for me transactional? As long as I do for you, you will do for me. Is that the way it is? Is that the way it is going to be? I can’t take it like this anymore. I need you to do something special for me. I can’t hold my breath waiting for you to call any longer.

Let yourself go. The good self, the nice self, your loving self, you know what I need to come back to the emotional equilibrium of life. Give it to me. I need you. Please. Have a little kindness in your heart and say something special to me to make my day. I know I don’t deserve it, but I still hope for the best. I hope you will love me again because, until you do, I will never rest.

Don’t just be the woman you are, please be the woman I want you to be, the caring woman, the forgiving woman, the woman with a mission to save the life of a poor tattered soul, me. An ounce of your love is all I need today to make my life complete. You are bigger than life and any part of you is all I need to survive another day. One kind word, one small signal, one sweet smile, one more intricate part of you is all I need today. You can do it if you put your mind to it. For a moment you can feel the sincerity in my words, the real man speaking of love lost and love found again. Put it all behind us and think of the bright future ahead of us. If only you can forgive me for a moment, my endless and unconditional love will fill your heart forever more.

Audio: https://soundcloud.com/user-83095424/please-forgive-my-indiscretions