Today

Today I’m going to make some significant changes in my life. I don’t know if they will include you or not because I’m going to walk down a path into something new. You may not want the new me and you may want to cast me aside. That’s OK. You see, today I’m going to stop changing to meet your needs. I’m going to be myself, my true self, my authentic self.

I’m tired of jumping through hoops for you. You say jump and I say “how high”, your wish is my command, I’m here to fulfill your every desire. I can’t say these things anymore. I can’t do these things anymore. I can’t buy you roses to make up for my mistakes and days of lost love and unfulfilled desires. It’s not fair to you and it’s not fair to me. Authenticity is key. What you see is what you get, the real me.

My heart has been torn asunder jumping through hoops for you. I have been the malleable partner, a chameleon, shifting shapes at your every whim, trying to please you every day in every way. For so long I have believed that my happiness was tied to your happiness. I believed that if I could give you the things you need, you would satisfy my desires in return. Quid pro quo. One good turn deserves another. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. That is the golden rule, isn’t it?

But the bitterness and resentment has torn me apart inside. Don’t get me wrong. It worked for a time, for a long long time. I put my wants and desires on the back burner and put yours first. I sacrificed what I wanted so I could make you happy, with the hope that you would reciprocate and do the things for me that only you could do. And for so long I have waited patiently for the crumbs off your table, standing in the rafters waiting for some special moment when you would fill my heart with love and satisfy my long-neglected desires. I waited and waited and you never came.

And today I woke up a new man because I’ve decided not to wait any longer. I’m moving on. I’m walking back to the bus stop and waiting for the next bus. Another one will come. The next one will take me where I need to go. That is why I promise to be as authentic and as vulnerable as I can be. I won’t hide my true feelings any longer. When you hurt me, I will cry and let you feel my pain. I won’t hold back and hold it in any longer, trying to act impervious to your digs, insults and abuse. You have been mean to me and in some ways I deserve it, but in actuality, the cycle of pain has to stop somewhere.

Today it stops here. I can’t tolerate it any longer. I can’t live this double life, one-minute acting like all is well and the next minute sitting on the pity pot all depressed and downtrodden. This is not a healthy life. This is not a healthy relationship and it has to end. No, not the relationship and even though I want you to change, you don’t have to change for me. I am the one who must hold fast to my promise of a new me. I don’t have you to blame for my own lack of discipline and inconsistency. It is not your fault that I have allowed an environment of dysfunction to reign supreme. I take full responsibility for today and henceforth, every day that comes.

Neither one of us will live forever. Our time is short, however much time we have left to live together. And why should we spend our remaining days in pain and anguish? There is no need to suffer and sacrifice anymore. I would rather be alone with my true and authentic self than to kowtow to your unreasonable demands any longer.

Today I feel fully empowered. Today I will be very clear about what I want and what I don’t want, and today, if you want me in your life, if you want my precious love one day longer, today you will have to accept me for who I am as I accept you for who you are.

As we see the essence of our souls combine on a deep, spiritual level, true love will fill our cups to overflowing and when our cups are overflowing with the love that we have cultivated from within, then we can engage from a place of wholeness and empowerment rather than from a place of insecurity and need.

Are you ready for today? Are you ready for a new day? Be courageous. Be strong. Be forgiving. Yes, today I’m going to make significant changes in my life. Will you join me on this quest for truth and righteousness? Say yes, please say yes. But know I will love you for who you are, whether you say yes or even if you say no.

Audio: https://soundcloud.com/user-83095424/today

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